“I recently banged my head on the toilet while hanging a clock and have unlocked the secrets to time travel among some other items of super technology…don’t be expecting me to use this knowledge for the good of humanity.  Mainly just going to be years of physical debauchery.”

So says, myinnerfrankcastle, a fellow geek whose impressive collection of geek-related items almost rivals his edgey humor. Think of him as Dave Attell if he played Dungeons And Dragons.  In the meantime, this Nine Inch Nails and Mastodon loving US Air Force Senior Airman is biding his time till he’s stationed in South Korea by doing what he loves: geeking out with comics, cartoons, games, and Warhammer.

Throw the horns for a Hi 5 with myinnerfrankcastle.

——

1) What is it that makes you a Geek or an Otaku? Or a combination of both?

What makes me a geek really is the mountain of nerd knowledge I have accumulated over the years.  I know the entire theme song for Highlander for instance—a power that should be used very rarely, by the way.   I have gatherd a library of comics and basic nerd paraphanelia that would make the comic shop owner of The Simpsons suffer a coronary.  Hell, I used to have myself planted in front of the TV every Friday night when Monstervision came on with Joe Bob Riggs.  And when Ted Turner killed that it was replaced with Sci-Fi Prime and the oh so fantastic show Farscape.

All of this media has built in me a veritable database of bad jokes and Trivial Pursuit Challenge questions.  But I guess what really seals the deal that I am a Geek would have to be my very heavy investment into Warhammer 40K.  That’s right, I still build, paint, and play with plastic models-a lot of them.  In the end, I am just a giant twelve-year-old who has the ability to drink.    

2) So Stallone is casting again for the Expendables 3 which promises to be even more manly than the first two (just go with it). You have the option of campaigning for Bruce Campbell to be included this time. What do you say to convince Stallone to cast the Mighty Chin?

I would sit Sly down (an old drinking name) and bring up the idea of having the King star in his latest film dedicated to all things manly.  When he would say no, I would hit the secret button, thus clamping him in place where he’s bolted to the chair and his eyes pried open.  I would wheel in a 60-inch HD flat screen TV and begin to play every last bit of media that this living god has graced this species with.  Everything from the very early Evil Dead to The Man with the Screaming Brain to “Bubba Ho Tep” to episodes of Hercules, Xena, and Burn Notice.  Hell, I’ll even play the soundtrack to the Evil Dead Musical.  No, the Mighty Chin did not take part in this but it would go further in illustrating how awesome this demigod is.

Finally, after the final credits have rolled and Sly is a drooling pool of mush from days of dehydration, lack of sleep, and pure excellence being shown to him, his only aspiration then would be to rename his movie from The Expendables 3 to “How Freaking Awesome Bruce Campbell  Is and How Lucky We All Are to Share this Plane of Existence With Him.” I think he’ll see the light.

3) You’re an experienced man when it comes to various forms of entertainment—especially cartoons. How does today’s cartoons compare to the ones you grew up watching? What about video games?

Cartoons today are in the crapper as a whole.  What we grew up with in the late 80’s and the 90’s was a golden age of animated TV wonder.  Take a trip down memory lane real quick; back to those early years full of wonder.  We had G.I. Joe, He-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Real Ghostbusters, X-Men, Batman: The Animated Series, Beetlejuice, Samurai  Pizza Cats, Project Geeker, Mr. Bump in the Night, Gargoyles, Goof Troop, Timon and Pumba, Bonkers, Biker Mice from Mars, Mighty Max, Skeleton Warriors, Spider-Man, Darkwing Duck, Chip and Dale:  Rescue Rangers Reboot, Dragon Ball in all its formations, Gundam Wing, Bobby’s World, Rugrats, AHHH! Real Monsters, Rocko’s Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy, and Doug just to name a few.  Compare these shows to today’s cartoons and you will see that today’s stuff just does not hold up.  We had shows where people died, fell in love, and could tell a good fart joke or two.  Watch X-Men (our soap opera for that time) for example.  There is an episode where Wolverine openly questions the existence of God due to the experiments conducted on him.  

What?

I’m pretty sure this episode alone created the many metal bands we have nowadays.  The cartoons of yesteryear provided us with a kind of content unheard of.   Not only was there a good chunk of adult themes implanted into these series, they had a lot of older humor.  If you were to watch Rocko’s Modern Life now you would be surprised at how much they were able to get away with.  Today’s generation of cartoons…I am saddened by what I see.  Gone are the adult jokes, grown up situations, and mentally challenging scenarios.  What we are left with is a sad red lego bucket of crap that we can’t even swallow.  

Yet, there is hope.  Here recently, Cartoon Network has begun to really bring out some good cartoons.  Things like Chowder, with its ADD afflicted main star and emphasis on obesity. Or the Marvelous Misdventures of Flapjack where a young boy lives in a whale with his alcoholic father figure (which is what he is).  But the show that has really made me regain hope is Adventure Time. Every episode I see makes me laugh and takes me back to the early cartoons. There is so much adult humor and rediculousness crammed into these shows. Moreover, the whole series revolves around the idea of having a Dungeons and Dragons campaign while high, or at least that’s what it looks like to me.  So there is a ray of hope for cartoons yet.

As far as video games go, it’s a pretty different scene. Today’s era of gaming is really freaking glorious.  Case in point: Skyrim. This game is epically massive in terms of size and gameplay; there is literally over three hundred hours worth of gameplay.  If you spent that much time on a game twenty years ago you were either beating Final Fantasy VII for the fiftieth time or you were playing Contra 3 with a friend who sucked (we all had the spread shot argument, okay?)

Now I’m not saying the old games sucked, by no means.  Those old games are what made many of us today:  jaded, bitter, old men and women who have had a lifetime of beatings from the likes of Castlevania, Mega Man, and Ghosts and Goblins. It is true that the games of our time were tough, almost impossibly tough at times. And while today’s games do not match the level of difficulty as a whole (I’m not bringing Ninja Gaiden into this, that’s just punishment from God after all the years of sinning in this world), they are still remarkably amazing.  We have stories and characters we actually care about. Metal Gear Solid is proof and point of a game that has a life of its own and is a masterpiece in storytelling.  Overall, today’s gaming experience is far beyond anything I could ever imagine. 

4) Since you’re in the Air Force, let’s say an alien invasion takes place, and the U.S. reveals its top secret plans with Japan for a Mech unit team. First, what type of mechs do you think they’ll use (Evangelion, Robotech, Gundam ect)? And second, based on the mech anime you’ve watched, what’s the most important lesson you’ve learned that will help you survive?

If any type of mech team did come to surface that involved the Air Force, I’m pretty sure they would be influenced by the Gundam series.  Why?  Firepower, plain and simple.  Each one of those walking Chernobyls were armed to the teeth with a veritable array of bowel-loosening weapons that could level whole-armored divisions.

And that is where my humble Air Force excels at:  firepower.  I’m pretty sure somthing akin to a strange hybrid of Heavy Arms from Gundam Wing and a few mechs from Gundam 00 would  be brought to the fore.  Some type of beast that is armed with a couple heavy 60 MM vulcan cannons, twin large 210 MM shoulder cannons, and (just for the hell of it) a small sized combat nuke.  My uncle Norman put it best, “When you sign up, join the service that kills the bad guys with a push of a button.” Well, that is what this mech would be best at.  Would it charge in with a gleaming power sword?  Hell no, it’s gonna blast some unwanted alien invader before it touches down on Earth.  

Now, personally, I like firepower, but I’m a little old-fashioned and believe to do things with my hands.  There should be one mech in reserve that closely resembles the ones from Evangelion, teeth and all.  Nothing says “this species is f*cked up” like a giant robot-devouring alien infantry and mechs alike.  After that, the word gets out to any other would be space Attila the Huns and they learn pretty quick not to come knocking on our doorstep unless they have something to offer for the betterment of all humanity like the cure for AIDs, ending world hunger, or lizard women with rocking boobs.  Just saying.

The most important survial tip I have learned from mech anime is to bring a fresh pair of pants in the cockpit.  Why? There are a lot of G’s your pushing at times and sooner or later something is going to give. 

5) Based on all the games you’ve played, cartoons you’ve watched, Dungeons And Dragons campaigns you’ve been a part of, and anime you’ve experienced, what are three important lessons you’ve learned?

1. Never separate from the group.

How many times have you seen where the group splits and they get picked off by some Alien Hunter killer, masked maniac, or demented school teacher?  This could all be easily avoided by staying together and defending each other.  Ten shotguns in unison is far more effective then one by itself. Confucius said that.  Stay together and you may survive the horror that is set upon you.  Or you could push Rick in front of it and leave him…he’s a dick.

2.  Don’t sleep with everything that moves.

This is a constant.  If you decided to think with the lower half of your body and bone down anything with a pulse (and few things without), then there are some serious consequences.  Mega-STDs, crazed partners, and a plethora of bastard children are only the beginning of the troubles.  Do you really want to be infected with some type of advanced flesh eating bacterium or brain dissolving virus?  Or worse yet, how about when that “partner” comes a calling with some important news.  Depending on the species you decided was a  good idea to experiment with after fifteen Jager bombs, he or she may not be the most understanding of individuals.  On top of that, I’m pretty sure the multiple partners will not like to hear that they were not the special someone you pledged yourself to.  No, this isn’t Tenchi Muyo where they all compete for your heart—more like fight for your heart on a platter.  

 3. Don’t be a douchebag.  

Really?  Is this a hard concept?  I would think not but you always run across that one guy in the group who is a complete a-hole.  You’ve seen them in anime, cartoons, and played with a few in some D&D campaigns.  They don’t want to work with the group. They are usually abrasive and complete idiots.  These are usually the first ones to get eaten by zombies, or become a victim of “friendly fire.” If you want to survive whatever the world throws at you, don’t be a douchebag.  It’s just that easy.

——

Thanks again to reader myinnerfrankcastle! Be sure to follow him when you get the chance. :)